


Guilt is the Only Companion of the Grieving

by aislingdoheanta



Series: Intimate Conversations [12]
Category: Spartacus Series (TV), Spartacus: War of the Damned
Genre: Canon Era Fic, Episode: The Dead and the Dying, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Naevia and Nasir are my brotp, Self-Blame, episode 3.09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-29
Updated: 2013-04-29
Packaged: 2017-12-09 22:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/778836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aislingdoheanta/pseuds/aislingdoheanta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>SPOILERS for the deleted scene of 3.09 with Castus and Nasir.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Nasir ignored him for he had no desire for taking, for food, for rest because it did not matter. Nothing matter any longer except Nasir training all those to fight for freedom, fight in Agron's memory, fight for the freedom that Agron had given his life for. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>And if he fought and trained, he would not think about how it was Nasir who forced Agron from his arms. </i>
</p>
<p>Nasir struggles with guilt over his past actions and the consequences he believes them to have caused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guilt is the Only Companion of the Grieving

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't going to write anything for this verse since I'm working on the prompts, but then that deleted scene happened and I had to. This was meant to be a Nasir POV of just that scene and then I had to add a little info in the beginning and then a long conversation in the end. So this is the result!

_Agron's dead._

It was the first thought that plagued Nasir's mind when he startled himself awake. He was aching in the way that grief and mourning dictates—the way that hurts and feels like your chest is being ripped open yet unable to speak of it out of fear it will make the pain that much worse. 

He had been silent the past days, only speaking to give command or answer. He was but a shadow of the man he had been, while Agron was yet of this world. He had not had appetite for food since he heard word of Agron's passing. And sleep was something that he could not begin to attempt for every time he closed his eyes, he saw Agron, dying while Nasir could do nothing but watch. It was why sleep only claimed him at the moment he was powerless to stop it. 

He had promised himself that he would honor Agron's memory and he would fight and continue to do everything Agron would have wanted of him. Yet he realized that he was no longer worthy of honoring Agron's memory because he had broken trust with him while he was still living. 

It had been _Nasir_ who forced Agron to leave, who had gave him reason to believe that Nasir longed for someone else.

The thought had first entered mind during one of the previous days—Nasir had stopped keeping count—at mid-day meal. He had been training when Castus arrived and handed him food and drink. The man hadn't spoke and when Nasir's eyes gazed at him, he realized _why_ Agron had left. 

Agron thought Nasir desired Castus because Nasir's eyes fell upon him and he wished him to be free to pursue such desires. He was willing to die to allow Nasir a chance at freedom and even a chance with Castus. 

It was _Nasir's_ fault that Agron was gone, because had he remained true, Agron would have never left with Crixus. 

Nasir wanted to rid himself of such thoughts, but they plagued him. The only thing he could do was train recruits, stand guard, and let the anger boiling inside him reach its intended target: himself. 

He dressed quickly, not caring what he put on. He was aware that the belt he attached to his hips was that one Agron had once worn before Nasir had taken it. He wondered if Agron would be pleased or angry that Nasir was wearing his belt now that Nasir had betrayed him. He pulled his hair back away from his face and tied it without care. 

He grabbed his spear before making his way to the training area because that's where he had the most freedom. While his mind was entirely focused on the lesson or attack, it could not wander to other concerns. 

Nasir barely had hold of a training sword before he threw himself into training. He was brutal, with himself, with the recruits, with the use of fists. He told himself that it was for their own good, for if they could not dodge his attacks they had no hope against the Romans. 

A boy stood before Nasir barely raising defense against Nasir's attack. It was as though he thought Nasir wouldn't truly attack him. He thought to teach him a lesson, so he struck him with his fist. 

“You lower fucking guard!” Nasir shouted as the boy grabbed his face. “Do so against the Romans and fort your head!” He raised the sword in his hand to strike at the boy again. 

“Nasir!” Castus called from the side. 

Nasir paused, lowering his sword slightly as he turned his head to face the Cilician. 

“ _Point_ well made,” Castus said as he walked over to where they stood. 

Nasir glared at the boy in front of him. “Take meal and reflect upon lesson,” he instructed as he tossed the sword to him. Nasir watched the boy walk away for a second before he lowered his eyes. 

His thoughts drifted to Agron, Agron who was no longer of this world, and he felt his chest constrict. He breathing came out loud and heavy but he would _not_ give in, not allow the grief to take hold of him, not here. He merely wished to continue training, to keep sword in hand and Agron from his thoughts. 

Castus stood to his side as he said softly, “Come. Let us fill discontented stomach as well.” 

Nasir did not raise his eyes from the ground. “I am of no desire,” he replied wishing the man would leave him alone. 

“Nor of nourishing words?” Castus asked stepping closer. 

Nasir ignored him for he had no desire for taking, for food, for rest because it did not matter. Nothing matter any longer except Nasir training all those to fight for freedom, fight in Agron's memory, fight for the freedom that Agron had given his life for. 

And if he fought and trained, he would not think about how it was _Nasir_ who forced Agron from his arms. 

Castus' words drove him from his thoughts. “You've been taken of none since unfortunate news.” He moved to stand before Nasir. 

Nasir smiled bitterly as he said, “You hold it so.” He took a breath and looked up at him. “Does it not life spirit knowing the man that stood between you and hearts union has been _forever_ removed from path?” Nasir could not keep his eyes on the man because his eyes _should_ never have been on him. 

“I often held disagreement with Agron,” he started and Nasir's eyes fell to his at the use of his name. He was surprised to see grief upon his face. “Yet I am not absent feeling towards his fate.” He paused before continued. “Or wound inflicted upon one so undeserving.” 

Castus reached out a hand to touch his face and Nasir saw red. How _dare_ this man attempt to touch his face, the one place that only Agron had ever touched with affection? How dare Castus think he was _allowed_ to touch him in such a way. 

Nasir pushed his hand away before he could touch him. “You would turn grief into fucking opportunity?” His voice was hard and the anger had to have been visible because it felt as though it was seeping from him like blood. 

Castus raised his hands. “I seek only to give comfort.” 

Nasir punched him for Castus was lying. “You seek what you always have! _Agron_ is gone from this world because of it!” He felt his throat constrict at his lover's name and his eyes burned with tears and grief and guilt. 

Castus took a step closer and his faced hardened. “He is gone because _he_ made choice.” 

Nasir struck him again because it was not _Agron_ that was to blame. He only did what he thought right and didn't believe his placed belonged with Nasir because _Nasir_ had made him feel so. “He is gone because of _me!_ ” He felt tears escape his eyes but he was too angry to take notice, to care. “He would not have left with Crixus had he not seen the way my eyes fell upon _you!_ ” 

Nasir swung out to strike Castus again because he was present and partly to blame. If he had never arrived at Sinuessa, Nasir would have never noticed him, Agron would have never had reason to believe Nasir desired another, and he would still be here with him, still _alive._

Nasir could no longer see due to the tears clouding his vision. He threw his fist out again yet it did not land upon Castus' face. He stumbled from lack of food and rest and Castus caught him before he fell to the ground. 

Sobs wracked from Nasir's chest as he wished and prayed a different set of arms were around him. Yet he clung to the ones that held him as if they were the only things keeping him together. Perhaps they were. 

“That fault lies only in the times that we live,” Castus said softly. “And the gods that turn away from the suffering of good men.”

Nasir closed his eyes and tried to contain himself. He had promised himself that he would honor Agron's memory and not mourn and grieve in such a way. 

Yet that was before reason for Agron's absence was clear in his mind. 

Nasir suddenly felt as though he could not breathe and he could not be with Castus. Not when his very presence reminded Nasir of what he had lost, what he had _willingly_ allowed to leave. What he had done to give reason to Agron to leave. 

He pushed himself from Castus' arms and rushed away from the training area. He did not pause nor turn around when he heard Castus call his name. 

Nasir hadn't known where he had been heading until he found himself outside Naevia's tent. He walked in and saw her sitting upon her bed. “Apologies,” he whispered. “I do not mean to intrude.” 

Naevia shook her head. “You do not,” she said quietly. 

Nasir looked down and suddenly felt foolish for arriving at Naevia's tent. She was grieving just as he was. It was not fair to inflict his grief upon her. 

Yet they were friends and he needed her at the moment. And perhaps she needed him as well. He sat down on the bed near her, careful not to disturb her. “How are you?” he asked quietly knowing the answer. 

“A shadow,” she said as she turned to look at him. “As are you.”

Nasir looked down at his hands in his lap. “It is a heavy thing to lose your heart.”

“None more than when fault lies within self,” Naevia whispered. 

Nasir looked up at her sharply. “What words do you speak?” 

Naevia closed her eyes. “If I had not pushed him, Crixus would have never left for Rome.” A few tears fell from her eyes as she swallowed. “He would still be alive, in my arms.”

“Naevia,” Nasir whispered. 

She shook her head. “Your words fall upon deaf ears, Nasir, if you wish to sway mind.”

Nasir sighed. “I only wish to ease the blame inflicted towards self.”

He did not wish to see her suffer in the way for it was unwarranted. She was no more to blame than Crixus. They both believed traveling to Rome was the right thing to do. It was not something that Naevia forced upon him, nor would Crixus had believed it so. 

“You cannot ease what is truth,” she said softly as she reached for the necklace next to her. Crixus' necklace. “It was my hand, my words, that forced Crixus to act.”

Nasir shook his head and reached for her hand. “You only sought to do what you thought right. And Crixus believed in the same, Naevia. It was not your words that caused action. Your words gave assurance in plan, knowing he had support of the woman he loved.” 

Naevia smiled sadly. “Do you believe those words?”

“I would not speak them if I did not,” Nasir said firmly. 

Naevia was silent for a moment as she thought over Nasir's words. “You words give great comfort,” she said at length. “As does your company.” She squeezed Nasir's hand. 

Nasir only nodded and looked down at their joined hands, once again wishing it was another hand that held his. He felt Naevia's concerned eyes on him but he did not look up to meet her gaze. 

“Nasir,” she said quietly. “When was the last time you ate? Or rested?”

Nasir kept his eyes down as he whispered. “I have no desire.” The words he had said earlier coming back to haunt for they were true. 

“You must keep up your strength,” she scolded. “Agron would not wish for you to treat self in such way. He would want you to live.”

Nasir felt his throat tighten. “I do not deserve to.”

“Why do you believe so?” 

Nasir closed his eyes. “If I had pushed him to stay, he would still be alive.”

“He felt he had to leave, to fight,” Naevia said as she tightened her hands on his. 

Nasir felt the tears burning once more in his eyes. “It was my actions that drove him from my arms.”

“What do you mean?” Naevia asked quietly in her gentle tones. 

Nasir closed his eyes again. “He saw the way Castus' eyes fell upon me and was displeased,” he said softly. He took a breath and continued, “Yet more displeased with way my eyes fell upon the Cilician.”

Naevia was silent for a moment. “You believe him to have left because of that?”

Nasir looked at her in disbelief. “What else could it have been? My own eyes betrayed me and the one I love.” He battled back the sobs because it would do him no good and he wished his heart and body would follow his instructions as the boy had. 

“Would you have pursued Castus?” Naevia asked. 

“No,” he answered quickly. 

“You love Agron,” Naevia stated. 

Nasir nodded. “I do. Yet it did not stop my eyes–”

“Eyes are not the heart.” Naevia smiled softly. “Just because you found him pleasing to eye did not mean you wished him to take Agron's place. Nor that you love Agron any less.” 

Nasir closed his eyes. “Agron left before I could assure him.”

“He knew,” Naevia said firmly and Nasir looked at her. “He knew how much you loved him and the lengths you would go for him. It was why he had to leave. He did not wish to see you fall when he believed you most deserving of freedom.” 

“You speak as if certain,” Nasir said. 

“We broke words while away. Know that he loved you with whole heart, Nasir. That he did this for you and he fell believing to have saved you from similar fate,” Naevia said firmly. 

While it was a comfort to know that Agron still loved him and cared for him, it did not ease the guilt nor lessen the anger. “Why did he not allow me by his side?” Nasir asked, not really expecting an answer.

Naevia sighed. “He is a man. Often ruled by emotion and heart, absent thought.”

“Though never admitted,” Nasir said and they both laughed quietly thinking of their men. 

They lapsed into silence with their hands still joined. Nasir's thoughts were only of Agron and how he longed to speak with him to apologize or beg forgiveness or kiss him or hold him in his arms. He would have settled for anything that Agron was willing to give him.

It had begun to darken in sky and Nasir was beginning to grow weary yet being with Naevia was the calmest he had been since he had learned of Agron's fate. 

“Would that you rest here,” Naevia said suddenly. “In hopes company would chase unwanted dreams away.” 

“Gratitude,” he whispered. For they were both suffering, both looking for a way for their beloved to return to them. Each searching for a way to lessen the sting of guilt that plagued them. Hopefully they could draw strength from each other to be able to live and honor the men they loved in the way they deserved.

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic takes place after the first one "Mourning the Fallen." I believe there are a few days between when Naevia arrives back at their camp and when Spartacus and Co. return with the Romans. Which is why this takes place a few days after the first one. Because of this, Nasir's mourning has turned to him just blaming himself. 
> 
> Here are my thoughts on Castus, Nasir, Agron, and the mess they made. 
> 
> Agron left because he did not wish to drag Nasir to his death, not when he felt he was no longer making Nasir happy. He probably saw the way Nasir glanced at Castus, but that wouldn't matter. What _would_ matter was the fact that Nasir seemed happiest when talking with Castus. Which would mean that he was no longer happiest with Agron and Agron had been grumpy as of late but for many reasons. And the thought of Nasir willingly dying for him or with him terrified him--you can sort of see that at the end of "Men of Honor" when Nasir admits that he was willing to open the gate to join him. Since Agron's always been the one to be willing to risk everything for the few he loved, it terrified him that someone as wonderful as Nasir would be willing to do the same. 
> 
> Nasir and Castus...nothing was ever going to happen there, much to Castus' disappointment. It's just that Nasir was fully in love with Agron and the idea of being with someone else in that was never crossed his mind. Yet that did not stop him from being attracted to the man or enjoying his company on occasion--I think he saw a bit of the man he used to be in Castus. An outsider that all mistrusted by tether of name and he remembered what it felt like and how Agron was one of the only ones to really make attempt to draw him in. I think he just wanted to be nice and perhaps gain a friend. Now the whole being attracted to Castus never felt like a betrayal to Nasir because he knew that he would never act upon it nor desire it because he loved Agron. Yet _Agron_ did not know. This is why this is beginning to come out after Agron's "dead" because now Nasir is blaming himself for even partaking in it. I believe that Nasir is convinced that it is his fault for having such an attraction to Castus that Agron left and now he has to live with that. And the grief and anger has clouded his ability to realize, to see, that just because he was attracted to him does not mean he betrayed Agron or wanted to be with Castus. He's just struggling a lot with grief because he doesn't now how to talk about his emotions with someone other than Agron, the man who understood him and sort of "taught" him how to be in a way. 
> 
> That's all my ramblings for this one. I just had a lot of feelings with that scene and they really should have kept that one in. I'll probably end up posting a huge thing on tumblr when my thoughts are a little more focused and I re-watch the entire episode, not just a two minute clip 100 times!
> 
> As I said, I am working on the prompts. I will for sure begin posting on June 1st because that's the day I originally said for. Yet, if I write a lot in the next two weeks, which shall depend heavily on real life, I may begin posting towards the middle of May. But it will all depend on how much I have written by then!


End file.
